Hardest - easiest Choices
by HoshisamaValmor
Summary: Either heavy consciousness or unconsciousness created it, but whatever it was, Ciel doesn't like to have remorse and see his errors. But he dreams of a reality that will never happen.


**Author's Note:** When I dream about a story, I write it no matter if it sounds cheesy to me or not. I like my unconsciousness and I listen to it.

It's been 2 years now that Book of Circus started airing. I've been feeling nostalgic.

My music list was a bit different though. Corpo-Mente album and 3 albums by Igorrr. I recommend at least 1 song while reading. I'll list it in the end.

 **Disclaimer:** I don't know own Kuroshitsuji and I'm very glad Toboso Yana created Noah's Ark Circus. I do own my dream though.

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Dreams were a nuisance.

He was more than used to nightmares. He hated nightmares, but they were a part of the price to pay for his existence; constant and daily stabs to his mind and soul, unwanted reminders of what had happened, what he did and what he didn't. If not anything else, he could wake from his screams, shaking and dripping cold sweat, but taking hatred and strength out of the nightmares.

Dreams, however, were just plain annoying.

The worst, and most irritating part is how you cannot fathom reality and lie while dreaming. The ridiculousness of it only creeps too late.

Having to live through whatever lunatic scenario his mind saw to produce was worse than having nightmares.

But Ciel didn't know that as he stopped in the middle of the staircase and took a look at his manor, now more closely ressembling a camp or a stage of the so called circus freaks. He hardly had that many people in his atrium even when he was forced to have some social event. Now, if he didn't know better, he might have thought Elizabeth had made a huge strange and colorful party while he wasn't home.

He knew better, though. It wasn't Lizzy's idea, it was his.

To have five Phantomhive servants was something. To have a whole crew of them was a whole different matter entirely. It almost felt like he had a small army now. Six new servants, none of them trained to be servants, all of them strange and broken and now rehabilating to work for him. He might as well put the whole circus crew to some decent employment, no?

That was probably what Ciel might have thought when he made the decision of taking them in.

 _...Did I make the decision?_

There was people everywhere, bright heads moving around in a frenzy. What in the bloody hell was everyone doing?

"Sebastian?"

"Yes, my lord?" Sebastian was beside him before he needed to even blink.

"What is going on?"

"Lady Elizabeth has requested for a small party to be made."

"What? Why are we having a party?"

"She likes the new servants, apparently. You know how circus are enchanting and colorful."

"Just because they worked in a circus doesn't mean I am going to bring the circus into my house."

"I would recommend making a note of it then, because I believe Lady Elizabeth is mightly fascinated with the subject," Sebastian pointed out, and Ciel soon found out it was so.

She was waltzing through the atrium, blonde curls spinning as she greeted everyone time and again and instructed whatever it was she wanted them to do at the moment. Mey-Rin cried out her typical shriek of stress as she attended to everything while having Lizzie's hair waving everywhere in front of her glasses, until soon later another set of very different curls appeared and Beast helped the head maid out, apparently tranquilizing her. From where he stood, Ciel couldn't hear them, but Mey-Rin smiled and bowed, clearly more tranquil.

Lizzy complimented Beast on something, but that was actually clear to Ciel as he heard over the noise her disctintive voice, "You look amazing! Look at your adorable clothes! I knew they would be beautiful on you!"

Baldroy appeared from one of the sides and shouted the meals were a bit late, but barely anyone but Ciel heard him. Dagger came running after him, apron too big for him waving behind him, as Baldroy apparently forgot about his new sous-chef. Putting a knife-thrower and an explosion enthusiast together in a kitchen could prove to be extremely successful or extremely chaotic. Most likely both. So far Ciel hadn't figured it exactly, but his manor was still standing, so that could be a good sign.

Lizzy continued to compliment Beast, who was covertly trying to point out she needed to return to work, and Baldroy visually drooled at her sight. So visually, Dagger picked him by the back of the collar and dragged him back. Beast shared Mey-Rin's maid attire, nothing out of the ordinary, but Lizzy had been the one to tell Sebastian to call a tailor to customize her uniform (none of Mey-Rin's clothes could really fit her, and Lizzy had been quite impressed and shocked with her revealing outfit from the circus. Sebastian had commented on how much Beast had been bewildered with Nina Hopkins's charistimatic persona, and most likely from being so admired and taken care after like only the tailor could do.)

Mey-Rin had three extra pair of helping hands now, which clearly hadn't relaxed her as it should. Beast and the two smallest folk, Peter and Wendy, shared tasks with her and were decorating the atrium according to Lizzy's wishes and cleaned the manor in equal parts.

"We will bring the flowers right away!" Finny announced too from amongst the crowd, hurrying towards the door and followed closely by Jumbo. Opposites, those two. Finny looked even smaller and younger next to the outrageously big fire-eater, but that brought no trouble to their gardening. And their strength was almost matching. From what he gathered, nor Jumbo nor anyone else hadn't inquired about Finny's strange force. Ciel supposed being considered and treated as freaks all their lives did help for them not to judge others.

A strange lot, his servants. Stranger than ever, but he didn't mind.

"Joker! Where is the ringmaster? Please come, I need to see if you're cute too!"

Ciel couldn't help but cringe slightly, but Lizzy was happier than ever.

"Comin'!" Ciel turned around, barely seeing the orange mass of hair that flew past him. It was what distinguished him from Sebastian, really. The suit was very similar, but unlike the demon, he was a splash of bright color with his long hair tied back. It made him look older. "Sorry, Smile! The lady wants everythin' ready an' nice!"

"Yes, of course," Ciel muttered, following with a sigh. "Now that we're at it, what about the other fellow, Snake?"

"Hm? Snake?" Joker asked over his shoulder. "He's already 'ere though, ain't he?"

Ciel blinked and turned to Sebastian, who nodded silently.

"Oh, right. You lot are so many, you're confusing me."

"Ah, but thank ye, Smile. Ye'd be surprised with how much we can help out! Well, I guess ye know by now, eh?"

Well, yes, whatever.

Although he could hardly wait for Lizzy to start this damn party (the sooner it started, the sooner it ended), he wouldn't deny to himself the rainbow of colors didn't look bad. Well, it didn't look disasterous. He didn't really want to watch a show or something, but maybe the other servants would like to peek.

Ciel turned his mind from other things and focused on the people. As Joker approached Lizzy, Beast glided off sight a bit awkwardly and Sebastian chuckled behind him.

"What is it?"

"I fear this may sound gossiping, but I have noticed Miss Beast is embarrassed to be seen with her new clothes."

"Seen? Seen by whom? She was just complimented by Lizzy, wasn't she? I am not following."

"Ladies can be strange when they have soft hearts towards men, my lord."

"What?"

"Nevermind." Sebastian followed him as Ciel stepped down the stairs. "I must say, my lord, I am still quite surprised with how things turned out. I never once took you for a philanthrope."

"I'm not. Isn't it just easier to give them a chance to change?"

"If I may, that's quite the opposite. That's the hardest. Change and second chances are hard. The easiest course of action would have been quite different."

He was right.

 _But..._

"Smile!"

Ciel turned on his heels at the unexpectedly clear and polished word, so different from the usual accent he had started to associate with it. He found no other than Lizzy, almost beside him even though she was on the other side just now, laughing carelessly with Doll next to her.

"See, 'e's grown used to it."

"That's such a nice name! I try to make him smile so much, it might just be helpful."

"Big Brother Joker's the one that gave the name, kinda fittin' an' kinda not fittin', ain't it?"

"Are the two of you talking behind my back?" Ciel inquired, though he wasn't angry at all. Lizzy seemed truly happy and entertaining talking to Doll, and while wearing her circus getup (she was the only one who wore her former clothes, Ciel couldn't remember why that was) she looked like a true doll and couldn't really be distinguished apart from Lizzy as having a different background. Both looked regal and enchanting.

"I was just telling Doll how beautiful she looks. Don't you agree, Ciel?"

"Eh? Ah, of course."

"Ah m'lady, ye don't need to say that. I'm not... ah, well-"

"What? You're the cutest person here, look at how much these roses shine! They make your eyes shine even brighter!"

"They're just to hide me bad eye, m'lady. I'm not girly or pretty."

Lizzy seemed worried for one moment but smiled reassuringly.

"Do not worry. You turned something about you you didn't like into something wonderful. You see, I'm not perfect either." Doll blinked, surprised, and Ciel temptively tried to step back, feeling like he was prying in girl conversations. "I'm so tall, it's very unlady like. But I try my best to be cute other ways! And you did that too, and so well it was."

"Thank ye, Lady Elizabeth! That's..."

"And you can teach me lots of stuff. How great is it that a princess can perform the moviments you do? Thank you, Ciel, it's wonderful you brought everyone along."

"Yeah, Smile, that's-

"I'm so glad you're here with us, you're the princess of show!"

Cloths were stretched and snapped over the three of them, flying to place as they dyed the stairs with colors. Lizzy giggled as when she was a child and bedsheets flew over their heads.

"So pretty! Circus are so colorful!"

"Now that I think of it, shouldn't you all be with your former attires?" Ciel asked, looking around.

"What'd ye mean? I'm wearing me suit, ain't I?"

"Yes, but-"

Now there was a mask flying, hanging from the stairs, and more masks, flying in colors and sparkles. The background noise increased too, everyone chatting and finishing preparing. And small umbrellas, spinning with more bright colors hanging from strings, where did Lizzy get all this?

One of the servants passed running by them, wearing their work uniform but at the same looking colorful. Then it was Joker, the orange was so bright, but he had his circus hairdo already and the purple jacket fell over his shoulders. Ciel looked down but it was gone. Another servant too passed by, leaving him a bit dizzy. This was far too much color. Why were there masks falling down the stairs?

 _What in the bloody hell is this?_

"Beats me, Smile. What 're ye talkin' 'bout?"

There was something seriously strange here. Slowly, Ciel turned to Freckles, watching the girl stare back at him in confusion. She seemed so different without all the white around her and her brown hair covering half her face, her voice and accent made more sense with the tattered clothes. She had her circus getup right about a moment ago, didn't she? She looked more familiar without it, more like the annoyingly kind and noisy crew member he had shared tent with.

"Oi, Doll? I need some 'elp 'ere. Smile, wanna 'elp too?"

"Sure thing, Big Brother!"

Joker approached, empty handed and with his make-up and typical hairdo, not tied back like before.

"Oops, sorry Smile, ye're the lord, ye're not supposed to work. We're more than enough though," he said, pointy tooth peeking through his casual smile. The ink on his face was dripping, the blue hand-drawn tear sliding down even though it wasn't hot and the makeup wasn't even there a moment ago. All of it was smudging and dripping in dark colorful trails under his eyes like te-

Doll turned to Ciel smiling and patted him on the arm. There was a drop over her freckles, not blue.

Then it occured to him.

"You-"

Someone gasped and choked, something happened. Heavy and crushing, breaking and ripping something in its way and it felt familiar, like he had heard it before, but then blood splattered and spilled and hit his face abruptly and Ciel's eyes popped open and he jolted up on the bed and he couldn't see and eventually realized the person that was gasping and choking was himself.

The bedroom was pitch black. The atrium's brightness had left colorful spots on his eyes now that everything was dark and he couldn't see past the phantoms of light. The curtains were closed, and not even a thin gleam of real light seemed to pierce through them. He had no idea what time it was; it was probably late night, far too earlier to wake up and too late to go to sleep.

His head was spinning. In reflex, Ciel's hand flew to his face in search of the blood (was it blood?) that he just felt. The imprint of the dream was still lingering on his mind, not really knowing in which realm he was currently. In reality, the drops on his face were cold, not heavy and warm, but for one moment he thought they were the same. He gasped and stared down at his fingers, looking for red and finding just darkness. The spots on his eyes were fading.

"Sebastian!" He called without thinking. He tried to rub off what he feared was blood with the bedsheets, still feeling dizzy over his head.

It seemed to take far too long for Sebastian to come, but the warm and quivering light of candles shone from beneath the door and filled the whole room when Sebastian opened it.

"My lord? Is everything alright?"

Seeing him, seeing the candle light and his bedroom clarified whatever doubt he might still have on what had happened. Ciel breathed in, slowly this time, and clenched his fists hard.

Annoying. Angering. Nuisance. Honestly, humiliating.

What was he to make of that dream, to take out of it? He was angry, yes, that something so ridiculous might have made him wake up. But other than that? Was he to take hatred from the scenario and use it to fuel his life?

It wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't hatred from memories he was meant to take from it. It was-

"Another nightmare, my lord?"

Right, Sebastian was just staring at him, not knowing what was going through his head. At least that; he didn't need the demon to poke fun at him for this outrageous thing.

 _The easiest course of action would have been quite different._

Ciel glared at Sebastian, whom in turn merely blinked.

"Did I do something? In your nightmare?"

"Shut up. What took you so long to come? Just bring me something. Water."

"Right away, my lord."

"Sebastian. Leave the candles."

Sebastian bowed and lowered the candle holder beside his bed. Ciel took note on how he saw the sweat pool over the pillow and sheets and still damping his hair, but said nothing. Ciel ended up sighing loudly.

"While you're at it, prepare me a bath or something, I can't sleep in these rags anymore."

"I will attend to it." Sebastian exited and turned, and not two steps later Ciel heard a low hiss outside. "Oh, Snake, good evening."

"'Good evening', says Emily", the whispered voice replied. "Is everything all right?"

"Nothing to worry, no. You can go rest if you want to," Sebastian replied, and his steps faded down the hall. Shortly after, Snake appeared in the doorway, one of his reptiles hanging from around his shoulders. It looked at Ciel and hissed out.

"'Bad dream, Smile?', asks Emily," Snake echoed softly. He seemed worried, which was a growing change in Ciel's new servant. He didn't have any accent saying that word - might be why Ciel didn't mind him keep saying it.

It really was hard to change and give other chances to people. But best live with what you have rather than what you don't.

Or what could have been. The harder choices.

"Not a bad dream, just a stupid one. Go to sleep, Snake. We have work tomorrow."

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 **おわり**

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 **Author's Note:** If you are open to strange music, I really recommend at least _'Tout Petit Moineau'_ by Igorrr, starting from the part when Lizzy calls Ciel 'Smile'. The song will end after he wakes up. The rythm of calm downfall and madness and awakening was intentionally (hopefully) equivalent to the song.

The beginning description was revised to _'Moldy Eye'_ and most of the softer/melancholic mindtone to ' _Fia'._

 **Thank you for reading,** please point out mistakes and leave a review if you can.

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